Senior Community Friends

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I live in a senior community and sometimes I get too involved with everyone’s troubles.  Even though I want to be friendly with everyone, I can get to feeling overwhelmed by too much socializing.  Sometimes I just want to be alone. 

—Wishing to be alone

Dearie:  I don’t live in senior housing now and what she’s talking about is exactly one of the reasons I want to stay in my own home. 

Barbara:  Mama, have you really thought about it – thought it through like that? 

Dearie:  Sort of.  Not so much about the people and making new friends, more just about wanting to stay in my own home where I feel comfortable. 

Barbara  :  Of course, I know you’re not ready to make that kind of a big change.  But you know, the interactions and the relationships are a big part of moving into one of these communities.  I think this is an important question and not something that is given enough consideration. 

Dearie:  What do you mean?  People I know who have moved into an assisted living go for an interview and meet other people there.  They check out the place.  The few friends I have who have made the move seem to be doing alright. 

Barbara:  But the question is how close do you want to get to these people.  How much do you want to know about each other.  Everyone is living in pretty close quarters.  It’s like neighbors but even closer.  In lots of communities you’re eating meals together two or three times a day, going on outings, sitting together at programs.  It’s a lot of closeness.  

Dearie:  But isn’t that the point to be able to get some help if you need it and everyone says it’s important to not become isolated.   

Barbara:  Yes, yes, yes.  All of that.  But what kind of friendships do you have in a place like an assisted living where people haven’t known each other over a long time.  And maybe you are there for only a little while. 

Dearie:  Isn’t that the saddest thing?

Barbara:  Yes, it could possibly be the last place someone will ever live and it is a little sad.  You know there’s a big discussion about whether old people should be with just old people – age segregation.  It’s not a very realistic way to live.

Dearie:  But what else to do.  Long time ago grandparents moved in with their children.  I know that I won’t do that.  I don’t want to burden you.

Barbara: Hard to know what to do.  There aren’t always good choices, it’s not the easiest time of life. 

Dearie:  We’ll figure it out.  We always have.  I love you

Barbara:   Love you too, mama

Takeaways

Dearie:  Wherever you go, even in the grocery store and especially with your neighbors, it’s important to be polite, to be pleasant and smile.  Especially in these senior living communities even though you may not like everyone, you have to accept them for who they are and not judge them.  When moving into one of these communities your expectations can be high about what they will be like and who you will meet.  Figure out what you want from making this move –  is it activities, meals, friendships – and take it slow and easy. 

 

Barbara:  Everyone comes to a senior living community with a life-long history and personality.  Some people will be more outgoing and wish to make friendships.  Others will be more reserved.  Knowing your own style and how much you wish to get involved with others and become close is about knowing what your personal boundaries are.    You must balance your own needs for privacy but still recognize you are living in a social setting    These communities sometimes feel forced and artificial and the social setting can sometimes feel like you are back in the 7th grade navigating cliques and the in-crowd. 

Being open to making new friends in late life can be special indeed.   Though it may come with some sadness because they may be short-lived or the friendship may be circumscribed to only certain topics of conversation, but friendships allow you to explore who you are and how well you have lived your long life.

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Ask Dearie is a service of Barbara Green, LICSW and Sound Aging. Barbara’s mother is now 95 years old, and wishes for privacy. Though “Dearie” is fictive, she speaks much as Barbara’s own mother has over the years. Their conversations reflect an intimate mother-daughter shared history as well as the many conversations Barbara has had with other older women. Some of your questions may require more attention than Barbara can provide in this advice column. For a more in-depth response, Barbara may contact you about referral for a consultation.
 

©2019 Barbara Green, LICSW and Sound Aging | 206.799.7108 | barbara@soundaging.org Providing Advice to Seniors and Their Loved Ones in Seattle, Washington and Beyond