HELP, WE NEED SOMEBODY

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My mother needs some help with household chores, but she is refusing.  How can I get her to accept a home care aide?

—- Helpless

Barbara:  Why is this so common – older people don’t want anyone to help them!  Mama, there have been times recently that I thought it would be a good idea for you to have help in the house.  Do you remember when you were on medication and the doctor and I were worried about falling.  You were willing to have someone in the house then, but once you were off the medication you didn’t want it anymore.

Dearie:  Yes, I was willing to have someone here at that time, but I’m fine now, back to my old self. 

Barbara:  That’s not totally the case. I think you could use some help now. I think it’s harder for you to keep up with things – mail, shopping, laundry.  Wouldn’t you like someone to do those things for you so you’d have the energy to do the things you like to do like go to book discussion and exercise class? 

Dearie:  I’m really fine.  I like keeping up with those things.  I’m not having trouble. 

Barbara:  But, Mama, I think you are.  I’m a little worried for you.  You know, when you were working, it seemed perfectly fine to have someone help in the house.  Why is this different? 

Dearie:  Don’t be silly.  I was busy and there was a lot to keep up with – a big house, dinner every night on the table, laundry for a whole family, and I was working every day. 

Barbara:  So it’s about you’re being retired and being older and thinking you have all the free time in the world now and should do all those things by yourself.

Dearie:  Yes, it’s about that and feeling responsible for myself, not wanting to depend on anyone.

Barbara:  In my social work world we say you are being fiercely independent.  

Dearie:  Well, yes, who would want to be anything but independent? 

Barbara:  You mean, it’s a sign of being old.  And maybe you don’t like that. 

Dearie:  That could be part of it.  It’s hard to accept that you can’t do certain things anymore. 

Barbara:  You can’t help but change as you get older, there are things that aren’t so easy anymore, takes more energy, more time.  I know you don’t like to think you are getting old, or in fact are old! 

Dearie:  I know you think I’m being stubborn and I don’t want to spend the money. 

Barbara:  I sure do think you are being stubborn.  There are changes.  I’ve noticed you don’t walk as fast or as well anymore, and your hearing is pretty bad. I’d like you to try having an aide here a few hours a week, give it a chance, see what might feel ok. 

Dearie:  When you tell me I need help, it frightens me.

Barbara:  I’m sorry, I don’t mean to frighten you, it’s just that I worry!  I don’t want you to get hurt. 

Takeaways

Dearie:  It is important to feel that I am still competent and independent. I don’t want people telling me what to do but do be honest with me. I may need time to adjust and understand that telling me I am old and need help might make me angry. I don’t want to look or be stubborn but sometimes I can’t help myself. In my heart I know I may need help and would like best if my children could help, but I also don’t want to burden them. That is the hardest part for me – how much can I ask of my children?

 

Barbara: It is important to keep a watchful eye for changes that may increase risk for harm such as changes in mobility, hearing or memory. Be honest but respectful which means not making ultimatums and accepting compromise. Explain what is important to you as the adult child — what would give you comfort and a sense of security. You are not now the parent so do not speak in a demeaning manner. Ask your mother to accept compromise, as you must compromise too, and change will happen in small increments. It will take time and experience for her to adjust to having a stranger in her home providing care and assistance, but hopefully as she and the home care aide get to know each other the discomfort will ease.

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Ask Dearie is a service of Barbara Green, LICSW and Sound Aging. Barbara’s mother is now 95 years old, and wishes for privacy. Though “Dearie” is fictive, she speaks much as Barbara’s own mother has over the years. Their conversations reflect an intimate mother-daughter shared history as well as the many conversations Barbara has had with other older women. Some of your questions may require more attention than Barbara can provide in this advice column. For a more in-depth response, Barbara may contact you about referral for a consultation.
 

©2019 Barbara Green, LICSW and Sound Aging | 206.799.7108 | barbara@soundaging.org Providing Advice to Seniors and Their Loved Ones in Seattle, Washington and Beyond