Don’t wait till the end

Share this!

Dearie:

From time to time, I hear people giving advice about how to talk with loved ones about end-of-life issues. It’s possible that my mother will live on for years, but her health seems to have declined a lot in the past year. I have this nagging feeling that I haven’t talked with my mother about what’s important to her — but I’m not sure how to ask the questions. I’m also wondering if there are things I’ll wish I had talked with her about once she’s gone.

— Future thinking

 

Barbara: You know, Mama, I also wonder about this. I know you are healthy now and probably have a lot more years to live, but is it okay to ask you about what you think about dying? It’s a really hard question to ask out loud.

Dearie: You know, sweetie, it’s not news to me that I will die someday—sooner than later. And remember, even though it was hard when Daddy died, it wasn’t totally unexpected. We learned a lot.

Barbara: I know but it’s still hard and I miss Daddy. Don’t you?

Dearie: Of course I do. You know, I would love to protect you from hurting, but you can’t deny that I’m near the end. Anything could happen. Do you remember when Grandma died? We hurt for a long time and then you learn to live with the memories. After Grandma died I realized I was getting older and one day I would die, too.

Barbara: Mama, I would love if you would write down some of your stories. What was it like for you growing up, being married, having children? Were you glad you worked all those years? Most of my friend’s mothers weren’t working. It was different for us. It would be a small bit of history.

Dearie: I know, I know. Writing my memories or tape recording me would be a good idea. But I’m not ready to do that. It’s fine to tell you about things when you ask.

Barbara: I like talking with you too, but if you wrote things down, then everyone could have it and it wouldn’t get lost. There are classes at senior centers about writing. Would you be interested?

Dearie: Not really. Too many other things to do!

Barbara: Then I guess you’re not really that close to the end of your life yet, Mama! But Mama, do you ever think of dying? What it would be like?

Dearie: No, not really. Not like that. But remember that time you asked me to talk with the doctor about how many tests or treatments I would want if I got very ill? Then I went to that lawyer and filled out all of those legal documents.

Barbara: That’s right, your Living Will. I’m glad you did that. But do you mind if sometime I ask you again about dying? I guess it never goes away. I love you.

Takeaways

Dearie: I’m old! I am closer to the end of my life than the beginning and I don’t feel a need to live an extraordinarily long life. I feel good about the life I’ve had and I enjoy remembering the good times. I do hope that I won’t have a long illness and I particularly don’t want to be a burden to my children. I do miss all my friends who have passed away. Lately that has been a very big part of my life. I am not afraid of dying, but I do fear that as I get older and I can’t do as much, I will be alone because all of my friends are gone.

Barbara: There are plenty of ways to understand the question of “What is important at the end of life?” It may be about wishes for medical care and/or treatments. Or it may be about what kinds of care one might need in a nursing home or memory care unit, perhaps. Many people do plan for funerals, burials and memorials. Each of these questions and answers would point in a different direction for answers and resources.

There are important legal and health care documents that everyone should have. These are your wills, powers of attorney, a health care directive, and a form called a POLST (Physicians Orders for Life Sustaining Treatment). And a recent interest in the health care field has been an Advance Care Directive for Dementia Care.

And about the end of life: Remember that an elder’s end of life is not news to her. She may be perfectly willing, and even welcome a conversation. In many ways, the question is simply how we say goodbye— which of course is not so simple. I’d look for any small opening of a conversation or idea. Or maybe you just need to be direct: “Mom (or Dad), I need to know more about what is important to you so I can do the right thing when the time comes. It will make me feel better to know.” And then say, “Mom, I love you a lot and will miss you.”

Related Posts

Ask Dearie is a service of Barbara Green, LICSW and Sound Aging. Barbara’s mother is now 95 years old, and wishes for privacy. Though “Dearie” is fictive, she speaks much as Barbara’s own mother has over the years. Their conversations reflect an intimate mother-daughter shared history as well as the many conversations Barbara has had with other older women. Some of your questions may require more attention than Barbara can provide in this advice column. For a more in-depth response, Barbara may contact you about referral for a consultation.
 

©2019 Barbara Green, LICSW and Sound Aging | 206.799.7108 | barbara@soundaging.org Providing Advice to Seniors and Their Loved Ones in Seattle, Washington and Beyond